being the hypocrite
It's a tale as old as time. You're always so much better at giving advice than taking it. You're so much better at fighting for other people and their happiness that you never really give yourself time to think about your own. The fact of the matter is, you're pretty sure that you're going insane with all the notes and things that you keep finding. So, you try to help others see the good in what they have in their lives. You try your best to help a friend get excited for dates, and then frown when you realize that she's letting her ex control her thoughts in a way. Or maybe he was overthinking. But between that, another friend saying that you were projecting, and then deciding that you were just too chicken shit to go after something that could make you wanted to see someone else actually do it. It made sense in your head. But only because nothing else makes sense anymore.

The notes you have are confusing. Some guy named Ted writing to you, but it's on your phone and you have a highly complicated keypad unlock system (something you built into your phone, and you're rather proud of it) and no one else knows the code. No one else but you. So, the logic is that you are the one who wrote the notes. Notes about this Ted guy. Notes about other people and their 'other sides/alters' as was written down. Who to stay away from. Who could be an ally. People to try to find. People to stay the hell away from. The name "Max" and why it's not a good one, but a seeming sense of relief that he's not around.

It almost seemed like you were scared when you wrote the notes. Must have been during the time you can't see, the time you can't remember, and you're not really good at hiding your discomfort about the things you are finding out. Even the name of your company seems tainted now, something that you need to change, to gain some control back into your life.

But still, you can't blame everything on what is happening. Even if you want to, because really you want nothing more than to not be held responsible for your anxieties or anything else. You're a mess, you're a disaster, but at least it's only in your personal life. Right? At least you have that going for yourself, and really that's not too bad. Things could be worse. Things can always be worse.

Of course, this also means that being aware of your issues, your stupid anxieties and everything else is...well you can't just play dumb for forever. You can't keep giving advice and never take it, and you're so damn scared of fucking things up with people that you shut them out before things ever start. Someone said you had an invisible wall around you, and maybe you do (though from her, it was an insult, considering she never spoke to you that much anymore anyway) but you don't want people to admit to it. There are plenty things in your life that have broken you. Have told you that you're not worthy of good things, of love, of the things that you want.

So, it's easier to be lonely. It's easier to swallow it all down and know that at the end of the day, you've only got yourself. You tell yourself it's easier this way, but it's a lie. It's harder this way. It's awful. You're not exactly sure how much longer you can push this all down, because the cracks are starting to show. Too many things make you nervous. Too many things make it...harder for people to be sympathetic to you. Especially now. Hell, you're hardly sympathetic to yourself anymore.

You always give advice. On relationships, on how people should take chances, how they shouldn't be shutting themselves down from being happy, but you're such a hypocrite for refusing to take your own advice.

Maybe you should.